Chapter 1

Preface

In this chapter:

• Warnings and Caveats

• The Buddha and the Goddess

• Acknowledgements

Warnings and Caveats

Before you read any further, please read and take to heart the following warnings and caveats:

(1) This book is intended a work of art, not science. Everything I am writing in this book is poetic, not an infallibly accurate prescription for you to follow. Please always listen to your own inner guidance when evaluating what is said here, and carefully determine if any of it is right for you. It’s okay if it’s not; just freely discard whatever doesn’t work for you and go about your business with confidence that you know yourself best.

(2) These pages are intended to elicit a strong effect for certain readers. If you are not the intended reader, then it will all likely seem like complete gibberish to you. However, if you are in an Below-style awakening process, this book may be intensely psychoactive. It may take you on a profoundly personal and spiritual journey. If you are deep in the throes of the Below at this very moment, please be aware that reading these pages may have unexpected effects on you, including energy surges, deep emotions, insomnia, and other psychophysical effects. If you are prone to experiencing a lot of fear in your awakening process, be aware that some of what I write here may well trigger that kind of response. Always take it in small doses, prioritizing your own wellbeing and safety.

(3) Don’t ever let anything I’ve said in this book talk you out of seeking assistance from a qualified therapist, counselor, or spiritual guide if you believe that kind of resource would be beneficial for you. Even though I am huge fan of DIY, I think that having someone, or a group of people, you check in with on a regular basis can be extremely helpful when you are navigating any awakening process. Just make sure you feel supported, cared for, and understood by them, and that your boundaries and autonomy are always respected. If you feel like something is off, you are most likely right.

(4) If you feel well resourced and mentally strong, then rest assured that the Descent into the Below is not a problem. Nothing is broken. There is nothing to change or fix. Always remember that this process is a blessing — a mysterious one that can be quite challenging at times, but a blessing all the same.

The Buddha and the Goddess

Let’s start with a story. It’s a famous episode in the legendary life of the Buddha that you probably already know. In the tale, the future Buddha, Siddhartha Gotama, had left behind his wife and child, his position as the crown prince of his kingdom, and his life of luxury and ease in order to take up the path of a forest recluse. For years as a samanera (i.e., a person who has renounced worldly life to become a spiritual seeker), he had given himself over to the practice of austere asceticism, intense meditation, and other yogic practices that the gurus of his day promised would lead to enlightenment. In the process, he had starved himself, deprived himself of sleep, performed all kinds of physically painful self-deprivations, and denied himself every biological and psychological comfort in single-minded pursuit of this lofty goal.

After many years of this kind of practice, having become adept at many states of consciousness but also having become exhausted and on the verge of starvation, he finally had determined that this path was too extreme. He therefore had acquiesced to his bodily needs and had eaten his first decent meal in a long time. Having arranged himself a seat under a bodhi tree, he had then set off on a different tack. Having remembered a certain experience of peaceful focus he had as a child, he had decided to recall that state and use it as a platform from which to achieve nirvana. He had taken a strong determination then and there that he would not arise from the foot of the tree until he became awakened. Give me enlightenment or give me death! The hero’s strength, resolve, and determination (they say “he was a lion among men”) are a large part of what has allowed this legend to speak to generations of followers over the past two and half millennia.

But now, as he approaches the point of victory in his quest, the samanera faces his ultimate challenge. In the climax of the myth’s story-arc, he is accosted by a horde of evil spirits led by Mara, the demon-king. Some retellings of this narrative take great up a great deal of text describing the fearsome attributes of these demons and their malicious threats toward Siddhartha. In certain versions, Mara’s three daughters (representing desire, aversion, and attachment) try to knock him off his seat by tempting him with their sensual wiles. Through it all, the samanera is invariably depicted as aloof and equanimous, completely unfazed by any attack or temptation.

For centuries, Buddhist commentators have interpreted an encounter with Mara — whether in this myth of the Buddha or in other Buddhist scriptures — both literally and figuratively. Literalists see demonic forces opposing serious meditators as external entities lying in wait to trip them up and derail their spiritual progress. Others have preferred to view these “demons” as internal psychological forces: the temptations, delusions, traumas, existential fears, and self-doubts that naturally arise as one progresses on the spiritual path. From this perspective, Mara himself represents the last thrashes of the separate ego-self grasping for any point of stability as it nears the point of being defeated once and for all. Although the encounter with Mara may be understood in these different ways, ultimately, everyone agrees that anyone on a quest to awaken sooner or later must encounter their own horde of demons.

In the version of the Buddha’s myth told by the eighteenth-century Tibetan Tenzin Chögyel (translated for Penguin Classics by Kurtis R. Schaeffer), Mara’s assault takes up all of Chapter 9. The demonic horde rains weapons down upon the resolute meditator, but the samanera’s compassion turns them all into flowers. Enraged by Siddhartha’s equipoise, the demon king challenges Siddhartha’s worthiness to become enlightened. On what basis does he take that seat under the bodhi tree? How dare Siddhartha think that he has earned that right?

Siddhartha calmly responds to these taunts by placing his hand upon the ground, and calling the earth to bear witness to the fact that he has made “endless sacrifices” in lifetime after lifetime of practicing virtue. Just then,

the ground trembled, and Sthavara, goddess of the earth, emerged halfway out of the soil. She folded her hands in reverence to the Bodhisattva. “Great One, it is so,” she said. “It is just as you have declared. The truth of this is evident to me. And yet, Lord, now you have become the witness for the world and the gods.”

With these words, Mara is defeated. After mounting a few last attempts to scare Siddhartha in vain, he finally retreats. Now in the clear, the samanera settles into a deep meditative state and concludes his quest to transcend the human condition. He realizes the so-called Four Noble Truths: that life is suffering; that the cause of suffering is desire, aversion, and ignorance; that these can be eliminated; and that the path to their elimination involves virtue, meditation, and insight into the true nature of consciousness. This discovery earns him the title “Buddha,” meaning “Awakened One.” Other names he would come to be known by include “the Victorious One,” “the Transcendent One,” “the Unsurpassed,” and other epithets that connote his victorious struggle rising above the forces of evil and ignorance.

This story I have just told has inspired countless generations of seekers, and continues to do so today. It is a perfectly tailored description of a model of spirituality that in this book I will call “Awakening the Above.” While there are other examples from world mythology, the Buddha is the paramount example of this transcendent trajectory. Awakening the Above means to wake up from the delusions and suffering of the ordinary world, to escape from the limitations of the human body and mind, and to be victorious over the ego, psychological turmoil, and other forces of Darkness. All of the details in the Buddha’s storyline are pointing toward the Above: he leaves his family and his society behind, transcends his biological body and his mind, controls his emotions, defeats the demons, and is the paragon of determination and virtue. He masters all methods of meditation and makes “endless sacrifices” to deserve his awakening. Such is the momentum behind his trajectory of transcendence that no one can stand in his way — even the earth goddess herself bows down and cedes her place of honor to him.

But what if the legend of the Buddha’s life were to be written from a different perspective? What if it were written as a myth about “Awakening the Below”? How would the story be told differently?

Well, for one, that climactic moment in the narrative where Siddhartha lays his hand upon the earth would need to be heavily revised. Imagine if, rather than rising up out of the earth to bear witness to his virtue, the goddess were instead to pull the demon-besiged Siddhartha down into the earth, and press his emaciated, battered body against her warm breast. Imagine if, while she held him, the demon horde fully engulfed him, like a dark cloud permeating his every cell. Imagine if all of his past traumas, his deepest fears, his memories, his longings, his tears, his rage, and his broken-heartedness were through this act of love alchemized into an infinite field of unspeakable tenderness. Imagine if instead of being the dispassionate witness of the world, he instead merged with the world’s soul in all of its sacredness, woundedness, and interconnection. Imagine if, instead of vanquishing the demons, he accepted and welcomed them as parts of himself.

What do you think? Can you visualize a world like this, where Awakened Ones don’t have to be brave heroes? Where there is as much space for vulnerability and helplessness as there is for virtue and resolve? Where tropes of masculine power and victory make way for the gentle, loving intimacy of the divine feminine? Where it is not by vanquishing suffering that Siddhartha becomes enlightened, but by surrendering to it? Where instead of transcending his humanity, he deeply inhabits and embodies it in all of its fragility, vulnerability, and tenderness? Where instead of defeating Mara, we may discover that the Dark is as welcome as the Light?

How does our version of the story end if there’s no need for the hero to become the “World-Honored One”? Perhaps the Buddha will open his eyes only to realize that it was all just a dream and he is back in bed in the palace. Maybe he puts his arm around his sleeping wife, the beautiful young Yasodhara, and lovingly kisses her naked shoulder as he falls back to sleep. Maybe he realizes he doesn’t need to be the victor after all, perhaps wishing for nothing more than to return to his ordinary life in service to his family and his people.

However the ending of this new myth might be written, the essence of the story will emphasize that awakening the Below is less about transcendence or perfection than it is about intimacy. It’s less about waking up from life than it is about waking down into it, gathering up all of the fractured dimensions of our being and weaving the broken pieces into a sacred and scarred wholeness.

Before you get the wrong idea about what I’m saying here, let me be clear: this book is not arguing that one of these two versions of the Buddha myth is better than the other. It is not about pitting Above against Below, producing a dualism to take sides over. Rather, my basic premise in these pages is simply to establish that descent into the Below is a viable, legitimate — but quite different — path of spiritual development than we get from stories about spiritual heroes and demon-vanquishers. This book is about making space for the Below alongside more Above-oriented approaches from Buddhism, Advaita Vedanta, and other popular spiritual approaches.

From what I have seen, it seems that some people are naturally oriented toward the Below, and that they will spontaneously discover themselves moving in that direction (or will be thrust into it kicking and screaming!) when they begin to undergo an awakening process. Without any background knowledge to help contextualize what is going on, surprise openings to the Below can be difficult to understand. They are consequently often interpreted as “spiritual emergencies” or mental health crises rather than the blessings and opportunities that they truly can be. My motivation in writing this book is to validate and normalize such experiences, in order to encourage people to embrace and even lean into the precious dark wisdom that comes from Below. Finally, this book is also an invitation for those who find themselves naturally drawn toward Above-based spirituality to become more aware of the Below, to become less fearful or dismissive of it, and potentially even to open up to exploring some of this territory. While our natural inclinations may draw us Above or Below, the other is always available for us to investigate, if we are so called. Ultimately, as we will discuss, these two paths converge, becoming inseparable or even indistinguishable. As far as this book is concerned, the true goal of spirituality is nothing short of this unity of Above and Below, the integration of both into a seamless whole.

Acknowledgements

I want to sincerely thank the “Bottom-Up Awakening” discussion group that met with me over the course of about 6 months to provide feedback on portions of this book as I was writing them. I also want to thank the many friends who let me repeat or reproduce their stories here, including Jack Morrígan, Misha BearWoman Metzler, Jeff Richards, Lisa, and Kini. Misha was particularly generous with her time, providing detailed feedback and copyediting on the entire book. Of course, all remaining shortcomings are due to my own oversights!